Audition Reading Selections - The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee
NOTE: Actors auditioning for parents (Carl, Dan, Olive’s Dad, Olive’s Mom) may select any monologue from those provided below.
CHIP: “Tittup,” T … I … [reluctantly] T … U … Oh, wait – two T’s; you heard both, right? Backing up: T-‐I-‐T-‐T-‐U-‐P. Tittup. [The bell dings.] No, but – I wasn’t sure if you heard both T’s. I obviously know how to spell it. That’s not fair! I got it right! I can’t get out on a word I got right. Miss Peretti, can I have one more chance? Please?
LOGAINNE: Doesn’t anyone else here care about the rules? This bee is as confusing as my current social calendar. As the daughter of two gay dads, I would like to know who scheduled Father’s Day and Gay Pride within seven days of each other?! Well, anyway, the Schwartzandgrubenniere household will be referring to the event as Gay Fathers’ Pride Weekend.
LEAF: [He flashes back to the phone call informing him he had made it to the bee.] Hello, Leaf speaking … uh-huh … uh-‐huh … uh-‐huh … You’re kidding! I’m gonna represent the Basin in the bee?! Wow, I can’t believe it! Mom, Dad, Marigold, Brook, Pinecone, Raisin, Landscape, Paul, you’re not going to believe this – I made the county finals for the bee! They just called and said the person who came in first has to go to their bat mitzvah, and the person who came in second has to attend the bat mitzvah, so they want me to do it!
BARFEE: See you next year. [He is hit in the face with a package of peanut M&M’s.] What are you, nuts? … Nuts! You threw the yellow ones! Will someone pick up the – [wheezes] I can’t be near the peanuts! You could be disqualified for that, if you hadn’t already been eliminated! This is a bully-free zone!
MARCY: Jesus? Hi! How are you? Um, my prayer was for a more difficult word, but now that you’re here, can I ask for something better? Jesus, I was wondering … what would happen if I didn’t win today? What I mean is, would you be disappointed with me if I lost? [beat] “Camouflage,” C-‐A-‐M … O-‐U … F-‐L-‐A … [She makes the decision to throw the word, and as soon as she dares say the first incorrect letter, she takes more and more joy in getting it wrong.] J … Z … H, “Camouflajzh!”
OLIVE: I’m thinking about does “flagellate” have one L or two – and also about how if you take the W of “answer” and the H in “ghost” and the extra A in “aardvark” and the T in “listen,” you could keep saying “What?” but nobody would hear, ‘cause the whole word would be silent. “Flagellate,” F-‐L-‐A-‐G-‐E-‐L … L … A-‐T-‐E, “flagellate.” Oh, excuse me, ma’am, could you not sit in that seat? I saved a chair for my dad in the third row on the aisle, and when he gets here, that’s his chair
RONA: Ladies and gentlemen, all the children you see onstage are here because of their extraordinary ability and love of language – but only one of them can go on to compete in the National Spelling Bee! This year, to celebrate our silver anniversary, our local sponsors, the Putnam Optometrists, are offering today’s winner a two-hundred-dollar savings bond toward his or her future education. But remember, to get here, each child had to win their own district bee, so each of them is already a winner. Hello, I’m Rona Lisa Peretti, and I’m pleased to be back for my ninth consecutive year as your host. Unfortunately, our usual word pronouncer, Superintendent Spriggs, has fallen ill, so please join me in welcoming Vice Principal Douglas Panch, returning to us after a five-year hiatus. Thank you, Douglas, for stepping in on such short notice.
PANCH: Thank you, Rona – and I would like to say, as to the incident five years ago, I’m in a much better place now. It’s amazing what a change of diet can do for a man. And, may I add, Ms. Peretti here is not only one of Putnam County’s top realtors, she’s also a former spelling champion herself. Beautiful. Now, for the Pledge of Allegiance, led by our comfort counselor [checks writing on the palm of his hand] Mr. Mitchell M. Mahoney.
NOTE: Those auditioning for Panch need not prepare the vocal selection, but should prepare the following example of interaction with a speller:
PANCH: Your word is “phylactery.”
SPELLER: May I have the definition, please?
PANCH: Either of two small square leather boxes containing religious texts traditionally worn on the left arm and head by Jewish men during morning weekday prayers.
SPELLER: May I have a sentence, please?
PANCH: Billy, put down that phylactery – we’re Episcopalian.
MITCH: You can’t comfort these kids. They don’t know yet that the good don’t always win, so there’s nothing you can say to cheer them up when they lose. I want to tell them disappointment doesn’t last, but what I’ve seen, disappointment lasts like hell. I want to tell them words don’t matter, but from what I’ve seen, words can get you killed. I just want to beat them up a little, so they understand that pain has degrees, and this is nothing – This is nothing, you little freaks! But that would violate my parole, so I do what I can. I give them a hug and a juice box. I’m here to give comfort.
CHIP: “Tittup,” T … I … [reluctantly] T … U … Oh, wait – two T’s; you heard both, right? Backing up: T-‐I-‐T-‐T-‐U-‐P. Tittup. [The bell dings.] No, but – I wasn’t sure if you heard both T’s. I obviously know how to spell it. That’s not fair! I got it right! I can’t get out on a word I got right. Miss Peretti, can I have one more chance? Please?
LOGAINNE: Doesn’t anyone else here care about the rules? This bee is as confusing as my current social calendar. As the daughter of two gay dads, I would like to know who scheduled Father’s Day and Gay Pride within seven days of each other?! Well, anyway, the Schwartzandgrubenniere household will be referring to the event as Gay Fathers’ Pride Weekend.
LEAF: [He flashes back to the phone call informing him he had made it to the bee.] Hello, Leaf speaking … uh-huh … uh-‐huh … uh-‐huh … You’re kidding! I’m gonna represent the Basin in the bee?! Wow, I can’t believe it! Mom, Dad, Marigold, Brook, Pinecone, Raisin, Landscape, Paul, you’re not going to believe this – I made the county finals for the bee! They just called and said the person who came in first has to go to their bat mitzvah, and the person who came in second has to attend the bat mitzvah, so they want me to do it!
BARFEE: See you next year. [He is hit in the face with a package of peanut M&M’s.] What are you, nuts? … Nuts! You threw the yellow ones! Will someone pick up the – [wheezes] I can’t be near the peanuts! You could be disqualified for that, if you hadn’t already been eliminated! This is a bully-free zone!
MARCY: Jesus? Hi! How are you? Um, my prayer was for a more difficult word, but now that you’re here, can I ask for something better? Jesus, I was wondering … what would happen if I didn’t win today? What I mean is, would you be disappointed with me if I lost? [beat] “Camouflage,” C-‐A-‐M … O-‐U … F-‐L-‐A … [She makes the decision to throw the word, and as soon as she dares say the first incorrect letter, she takes more and more joy in getting it wrong.] J … Z … H, “Camouflajzh!”
OLIVE: I’m thinking about does “flagellate” have one L or two – and also about how if you take the W of “answer” and the H in “ghost” and the extra A in “aardvark” and the T in “listen,” you could keep saying “What?” but nobody would hear, ‘cause the whole word would be silent. “Flagellate,” F-‐L-‐A-‐G-‐E-‐L … L … A-‐T-‐E, “flagellate.” Oh, excuse me, ma’am, could you not sit in that seat? I saved a chair for my dad in the third row on the aisle, and when he gets here, that’s his chair
RONA: Ladies and gentlemen, all the children you see onstage are here because of their extraordinary ability and love of language – but only one of them can go on to compete in the National Spelling Bee! This year, to celebrate our silver anniversary, our local sponsors, the Putnam Optometrists, are offering today’s winner a two-hundred-dollar savings bond toward his or her future education. But remember, to get here, each child had to win their own district bee, so each of them is already a winner. Hello, I’m Rona Lisa Peretti, and I’m pleased to be back for my ninth consecutive year as your host. Unfortunately, our usual word pronouncer, Superintendent Spriggs, has fallen ill, so please join me in welcoming Vice Principal Douglas Panch, returning to us after a five-year hiatus. Thank you, Douglas, for stepping in on such short notice.
PANCH: Thank you, Rona – and I would like to say, as to the incident five years ago, I’m in a much better place now. It’s amazing what a change of diet can do for a man. And, may I add, Ms. Peretti here is not only one of Putnam County’s top realtors, she’s also a former spelling champion herself. Beautiful. Now, for the Pledge of Allegiance, led by our comfort counselor [checks writing on the palm of his hand] Mr. Mitchell M. Mahoney.
NOTE: Those auditioning for Panch need not prepare the vocal selection, but should prepare the following example of interaction with a speller:
PANCH: Your word is “phylactery.”
SPELLER: May I have the definition, please?
PANCH: Either of two small square leather boxes containing religious texts traditionally worn on the left arm and head by Jewish men during morning weekday prayers.
SPELLER: May I have a sentence, please?
PANCH: Billy, put down that phylactery – we’re Episcopalian.
MITCH: You can’t comfort these kids. They don’t know yet that the good don’t always win, so there’s nothing you can say to cheer them up when they lose. I want to tell them disappointment doesn’t last, but what I’ve seen, disappointment lasts like hell. I want to tell them words don’t matter, but from what I’ve seen, words can get you killed. I just want to beat them up a little, so they understand that pain has degrees, and this is nothing – This is nothing, you little freaks! But that would violate my parole, so I do what I can. I give them a hug and a juice box. I’m here to give comfort.